4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
