Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize