I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
