my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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