Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
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Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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