she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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