we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
