thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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