Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
