I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
