Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
