just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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