i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
