Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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