You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
