I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
