mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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