I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
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