i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
