i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
