i just sent this text using only my big toe
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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