There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
