the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This house was built for laser tag.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
