Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
