He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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