After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
