so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just cut my nipple shaving
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
