I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
