How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
