I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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