i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
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bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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