we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
