Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
