I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
