the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When did angry sex become our thing?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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