I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
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