I think I won the penis lottery.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
