i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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