I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
