It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
