i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize