where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
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