I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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