Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
