I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize