I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
