I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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