Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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