He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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