mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
