My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
