He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
