Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
