I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
