my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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